when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
