you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
