I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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