I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Pants are for mortals
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
