just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
