I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
