I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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