When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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