It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
