my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
