12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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