theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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