oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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