I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
