Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
