I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
