no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
