i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
