i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
