for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
