Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
