I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
