I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
