I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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