i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
