"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
