i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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