Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
