what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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