After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
