the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
