I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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