just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
