And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
