If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
