Capitaan dildo arrescate!
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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