WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
