How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
