I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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