You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
