Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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