I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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