Just mADE A PArabola og urine
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
