life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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