Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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