I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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