Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
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I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
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I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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