if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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