I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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