Your mouth is God's brothel.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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