You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
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He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
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The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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