Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
