I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
