Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
