I met the friendliest cop last night
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
