You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
