This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The Olympian is in my bed
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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