i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
