If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
false alarm. still invincible.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
