The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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