I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Welp...herpes.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
