Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
