I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
