the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
