Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
