i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
