Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
