Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
